This past week in my spare time, I began ‘journaling’ this blog post in my mind. I had all sorts of good stuff to lay in here. I figured I would spend the next few weeks, using examples and documenting some ‘good’ stuff that has been happening in our home, for you to read. However, when I sat down to write this, I was drawn to two church talks that led this post in a different path for me.
As many of you know, lately, the subject of parenting is on my mind heavily. Constantly, there are questions going through my mind, trying to understand situations, reasons, the value, and finding a solution. This adventure is good for me because it is humbling and helps me to pray often. The worry and burden feels stronger than ever. I know what the Lord expects of us and what He has entrusted in us to care for his special daughter.
In the “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” states: “Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”
In a 1975 talk by Brother Flinders, he talks about three general stages we will pass through. "1) the young child wanted to know, “Who tells me to do it?” 2) The accountable child wanted to know, “What are the rules?” and 3) the teenager wants to know, “Why should I do it?” She begins searching for meanings she wants experience, discussion, and abstract thought. Sometimes the search for meaning becomes the question, “Why shouldn’t I do it?” straining her relationships with adults to test the perimeters of his freedom, rebelling against what he interprets as injustice or hypocrisy. He is not just posing intellectual questions; he is exploring spiritual questions, as a child of God whose moral awareness is expanding."
"Any anxious parent who has tried to educate himself with courses, classes, books, and magazine articles about raising children knows there is an abundance of conflicting and confusing opinions. Nearly all of these opinions seem partially correct, at least under certain circumstances. How can one be wise and avoid being deceived, as the Lord has counseled? This confusion that seems to come with too many “answers” and too many opinions can be overcome by relying on clearly defined and correct principles. Even though correct principles don’t always supply ready-made solutions, they do give us the vision necessary to proceed in the right direction. Correct principles are proper tools for parents."
Sometimes the situations I face arrive so quickly or so often that I barely have time to think or pray about how to best deal with it. So, I find myself attempting to stay ahead of it, exercising faith that I may be blessed and accept His will and praying to be obedient. But man sometimes the constant barrage of challenging get so old. How much can one take? How many different ways TODAY is she going to say this, try this, pull this, or be this way? Man, I miss the sweet submissive 8-10 year old.
Flinders goes on to guide, "What can a parent do? First, realize your own role, and second, recognize the three stages of moral development through which the child will pass and finally, how I can best help her through this stage. During this stage, she is supposed to feel differently about authority. This new habit of questioning rules to find the principles is a good one. If she finds enough good principles behind the rules, she will develop faith that there are principles that validate God-given laws. This faith will guide her through the legalism of the law into the spirit of the gospel. If parents understand these principles, they will be careful not to restrict moral growth by habitually using the wrong approach at any given stage. If adolescents are not allowed to reason things out, they may either rebel or become morally disabled, constantly dependent upon an authority figure to make their moral decisions." Certainly, I don't want that for Alyssa that is why I am pondering, studying, worrying and learning as much as I can.
Do you ever ask yourself?
When do I give in? When do I smooth this over by pretending this was just a misunderstanding? If I do, what will be interpreted from it? If I give an inch, will she take a mile? Then what happens when she takes a mile? When am I being manipulated/fooled? What should determine if another person's choice makes me feel sad, bad, or mad? When do I not allow this action/behavior/result to become a habit? How long should something be allowed to occur before it gets out of hand? Can’t she believe where our hearts are looking? Does she really believe we would want her to fail? Is she learning from this? How do we know if we are doing a good job? What would Jesus want me to do for her? How would he she her love and tough love? How would I want Jesus to show me love?
This is the kind of stuff that baffles me:
1) If one random day, I do something that I have never done (let's call this a negative act) - such as place the almond milk container on it's side in the fridge because that is how it fits best - mark my words, within hours she will do it too. BUT it won't be done correctly and the liquid will spill out. It is simply amazing how quickly she will observe a new 'acceptable' lazy behavior that she can mimic now. But the opposite doesn't work the way it should. If I begin a new (let's call this a positive act) - such as clean the side of the peanut butter jar after each use and she observes me doing it - she still will put the PB away without completing the lid seal and with greasy mess on the outside for the next victim to deal with. What the hey?
2) This has happened with the vacuum cord. I can't ever slip and be lazy and not put the cord properly wrapped up. For if I do, I will pay for it for more than a month as that will create a new bad habit in her mind. What the hey?
3) Alyssa and I eat our oatmeal with just cinnamon and raisens. She doesn't appreciate it that way, but she will do it even while Troy is shoveling sugar in his. So, this could go on for weeks. Well, one day out of the blue, I decide - today we are having a spoonful of sugar today in ours. She is elated of course. Now, going back to plain oatmeal is pure torture for me to instill in her again and for the next two weeks until she gets used to it again, we battle. This lack of inflexibility makes me wish I had never even offered the one frivalous day. What the hey?
4) Same story with her bicyle. She loves riding her bike and comes home with the most amazing and spiritual and appreciative comments about the stars and beauty and fresh air and her disgust for the people that litter and how she wants to organize a clean up for the 400 pieces of trash she has counted in a 4 mile span. She gets excited to bike faster and faster and has a personal record she keeps improving upon. However, for the two week period over Christmas, swim was not in Covington and we had to drive her to Kent. She got a nice break from the bike. Starting back up in January was a battle. What the hey?
5) She hates writing anything, in her journal, working on her handwriting, essay papers for school, answers on school work. She hates the time spent on it, it is the worst thing in the world to her. I coach and coach and coach and plead and beg and help and bribe to get her to find something in it she likes. Right now, she is working on a 5 page research paper. She was so excited to pick her topic of "deep sea creatures". She loves watching the documentaries and looking at the books. But the battle begins anytime we have to talk notes, outlines, hooks, thesis statements, and drafting the first pass. I tell you what though, after all the fighting and crying, she is sure happy to share her final draft and proud of her accomplishment. But the bizarre thing is that good feeling wont translate into the next assignment. We start all over again. What the hey?
6) Sunday, she will be officially introduced to the Personal Progress program in our church. Of course, she is excited and she even knows how much journaling there is to do with it. So, it will surely be interesting to see how much nudging I will have to do over four years to keep her mind set on the goal she wants to it.
7) At this stage in her life, she has a comment for every single thing Troy and I say. EVERYTHING. It is enough to drive a person to drink, I tell you. And of course, she is super emotional about everything. Even if it is about my choice of utensil while stirring dinner.
8) It is amazing how if she is looking forward to something, she will eat her meal in 5 minutes, but if she is dreading the next task, it will take her 40 minutes. If she knows we are waiting on her while she is in the shower after swim team, she averages 21 minutes, but if she has her mutual activity, suddenly her time reduces to 12 minutes.
It is so hard to decide when to fight her, when to discipline her, when to let something go. I feel like I walk on egg shells to not make her mad and to try to steer us away from creating a new bad habit etc.
This is the kind of stuff that baffles me:
1) If one random day, I do something that I have never done (let's call this a negative act) - such as place the almond milk container on it's side in the fridge because that is how it fits best - mark my words, within hours she will do it too. BUT it won't be done correctly and the liquid will spill out. It is simply amazing how quickly she will observe a new 'acceptable' lazy behavior that she can mimic now. But the opposite doesn't work the way it should. If I begin a new (let's call this a positive act) - such as clean the side of the peanut butter jar after each use and she observes me doing it - she still will put the PB away without completing the lid seal and with greasy mess on the outside for the next victim to deal with. What the hey?
2) This has happened with the vacuum cord. I can't ever slip and be lazy and not put the cord properly wrapped up. For if I do, I will pay for it for more than a month as that will create a new bad habit in her mind. What the hey?
3) Alyssa and I eat our oatmeal with just cinnamon and raisens. She doesn't appreciate it that way, but she will do it even while Troy is shoveling sugar in his. So, this could go on for weeks. Well, one day out of the blue, I decide - today we are having a spoonful of sugar today in ours. She is elated of course. Now, going back to plain oatmeal is pure torture for me to instill in her again and for the next two weeks until she gets used to it again, we battle. This lack of inflexibility makes me wish I had never even offered the one frivalous day. What the hey?
4) Same story with her bicyle. She loves riding her bike and comes home with the most amazing and spiritual and appreciative comments about the stars and beauty and fresh air and her disgust for the people that litter and how she wants to organize a clean up for the 400 pieces of trash she has counted in a 4 mile span. She gets excited to bike faster and faster and has a personal record she keeps improving upon. However, for the two week period over Christmas, swim was not in Covington and we had to drive her to Kent. She got a nice break from the bike. Starting back up in January was a battle. What the hey?
5) She hates writing anything, in her journal, working on her handwriting, essay papers for school, answers on school work. She hates the time spent on it, it is the worst thing in the world to her. I coach and coach and coach and plead and beg and help and bribe to get her to find something in it she likes. Right now, she is working on a 5 page research paper. She was so excited to pick her topic of "deep sea creatures". She loves watching the documentaries and looking at the books. But the battle begins anytime we have to talk notes, outlines, hooks, thesis statements, and drafting the first pass. I tell you what though, after all the fighting and crying, she is sure happy to share her final draft and proud of her accomplishment. But the bizarre thing is that good feeling wont translate into the next assignment. We start all over again. What the hey?
6) Sunday, she will be officially introduced to the Personal Progress program in our church. Of course, she is excited and she even knows how much journaling there is to do with it. So, it will surely be interesting to see how much nudging I will have to do over four years to keep her mind set on the goal she wants to it.
7) At this stage in her life, she has a comment for every single thing Troy and I say. EVERYTHING. It is enough to drive a person to drink, I tell you. And of course, she is super emotional about everything. Even if it is about my choice of utensil while stirring dinner.
8) It is amazing how if she is looking forward to something, she will eat her meal in 5 minutes, but if she is dreading the next task, it will take her 40 minutes. If she knows we are waiting on her while she is in the shower after swim team, she averages 21 minutes, but if she has her mutual activity, suddenly her time reduces to 12 minutes.
It is so hard to decide when to fight her, when to discipline her, when to let something go. I feel like I walk on egg shells to not make her mad and to try to steer us away from creating a new bad habit etc.
I often wonder:
Is this a genetic behavior or is this from her environment (i.e.: me)?
Or is this simply hormonal or what is just God-given?
What can I influence?
More importantly what, if any, SHOULD I influence and only because the Lord wants me to?
Each day, we are running out of time to guide her, so I know each moment of learning is important.
It is so mentally taxing to stay sane or focused on the goal each and every hour.
“Our major concern should be that of influencing our children’s desires or dispositions—not appealing to their intellects or their physiological natures. We must strive to influence their spiritual dispositions. Appealing to the child’s intellect or his physical senses, as is the popular approach toward education, may serve some purposes, but if that is all we do we are shortsighted and will probably be deceived."
"For example, we may teach them that they can choose their actions but not the consequences of those actions. We can also gently help them understand what the consequences of their actions may be in their own lives. We cannot do this alone. Success depends on divine assistance."
In this 2004 talk, we are reminded, "We must have the faith to teach our children and bid them to keep the commandments. We should not let their choices weaken our faith. Our worthiness will not be measured according to their righteousness. Sometimes as parents we feel we have failed when our children make mistakes or stray. Parents are never failures when they do their best to love, teach, pray, and care for their children. Their faith, prayers, and efforts will be consecrated to the good of their children. I want to remind all of us today that no family has reached perfection. All families are subject to the conditions of mortality. All of us are given the gift of agency—to choose for ourselves and to learn from the consequences of our choices.”
I am so grateful for lds.org to search subjects and receive trusted counsel from the Prophet and Apostles that the Lord has given us in today’s time period. What comfort to know we are not left here alone to figure this out and He is the best one to go to during this uncertain time and ANYTIME. I log off now and will go find more scriptural guidance to read.
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