You see, none of us are perfect, we are going to make mistakes. But of course, we shouldn't PLAN to make a mistake knowing we will PLAN to just say sorry later. It is a tricky concept to teach children that we will love them even when they make mistakes, we know they will make mistakes, yet we still need to encourage them to not WANT to make them. Finding the balance between, forgiving them while not making to too easy for them to do it again. Knowing that Heavenly Father forgive us and we need to be willing to forgive our children, is so tough.
We had to further define a system since our home team was just not 'getting' it. We talked about how every decision in life results in a consequence, COULD be good, COULD be bad, COULD be very very damaging. Sometimes as adults we make a decision that is wrong, yet we rationalize what consequence we are willing to risk. ex: "Should I go 10 miles over the speed? If caught then the ticket will be X. However, if I go 50 miles over the speed, I could die or go to jail." So, we often take a risk, don't we? But most of us now know there is only so far we are willing to go.
Often times, children will go to great lengths to avoid any negative consequence. I have found out that even trying to avoid a scolding is worth the risk of lie. ex: a child may be told they can have 2 cookies for a treat and instead they will take 6. Now, that in an of itself, isn't bad really. However, a simple situation like that can quickly go south. They can hide the situation, they can be asked about the reduction in supply, they can lie, they can even turn the emotion around, call their parents the liar, or even yell at the parent for something completely unrelated to difuse the attention. BUT oh, how simple the little confession could have been.
Now, I know that sin is sin and the Lord does not look favorably upon it. I have to believe there is a big difference between lying about brushing teeth versus stealing from a neighbor! Helping children to have a desire to confess a 'small' lie and understand that accepting a small consequence such as 'get a ticket', will be so much easier than letting the scenario escalate and get sent 'to jail.' We want our children to make their own choices, yet they need to be willing to accept the outcome of their choice. Here is our bigger picture defined.
LIE METER - you will see how quickly it can go sour
CODE 1 = vague question/statement, vague answer
example: Q: "wow, it sure seems like you were gone a long time, anything I should know about?" A: "oh, I don't really know what time it is."
consequence: well, if they were just wasting time, well then they weren't doing anything really bad, they aren't really lying, just sort of avoiding the question, but they aren't being accountable to their schedule.
CODE 2 = direct question, direct answer
example: Q: "did you brush your teeth tonight?" A: "yeah!"
consequence: this is disappointing to a parent to see their child lie so quickly, but usually, the child will wait until you aren't looking and go carry out the task they just lied about, hoping no one will know and they have made it right by following up. No big consequence, maybe a scolding, maybe called out on their bad breath, or mabe just a little embarrassing.
CODE 3 = pre-mediated action and lie
example: "Tomorrow, I plan to ride my bike to Sally's house" - Later, child may casually act like they told you they meant to say they were going to Billy's house.
consequence: great if they admitted it on their own, even if it was after the fact, but the fact that they pre-planned it and lied in advance to the action, well, this consequence is more like, lose reading time for a week, can't attend the birthday party for Sally next week, or write us a paper on lying please.
CODE 4 = caught after the fact, multiple hours or days after the action.
This is getting more serious and shows their ease of guilt. They had no intention of confessing ever and were just hoping to not get caught.
example: 5 days go by, child has forced a memory loss, and suddenly evidence appears that clearly proves something has happened. Child had plenty of time to bring to the attention of the parent, but just wanted it to be slipped under the rug and they walked around the house all week long with no remorse.
consequence: definately a week grounding, although child thinks 1 day is just punishment. Weird, definately parent and child are not in sync on what is fair.
CODE 5 = child was visually sneaky about a situation, knows without a doubt they are guilty, is asked multiple times, looks parent straight in the eye, denies multiple times, continues to lie even when they know parent knows, even when hard evidence has been shown to them, no matter what, they just refuse to admit their action or lie and even insuates that parent is lying.
Most surprising during the multiple opportunities to tell the truth, even when threatened with something super fun to them, they won't cave. This is a serious offense. One that will result in signficant loss, even a planned summer camp or the rest of ski season privileges.
example:
"I know today was not a good day for you, do you have anything you should tell us?"
"NOPE, was a great day."
"I know you did x."
"I did not do that."
"I saw you with my own eyes."
"You did not see me do that because that is not true."
"Are you calling me a liar?"
"Well, it appears you are calling me one."
"I have three pieces of evidence."
"I did not do that and you can not punish me for something I did not do."
"To heXX I can't, watch me."
Now, I can tell you, I know of families that have experienced a Code 3, 4, and 5 all at the same time - and it is not PRETTY. It can destroy an entire week. So, we decided to try to hit the nail on the head. We practiced some real life scenarios that a typical 12 year old might consider lying about.
I found it to be very free-ing and beneficial for us. We hope that our child will be truthful, even when she when nervous of a negative consequence. We found out she does not like to even receive any negative words such as, "I am disappointed that you chose to do that, we really needed X done today, can you please explain why you chose to disobey?" We explained that this is part of life and she must try to not fear dialogue like that or how will we grow, improve, or be able to function as a family? We need to be able to ask questions and get answers and have trust.
ROLE PLAYING
"I am sorry I am late, I texted you that I was on my way, but then chose to stay an extra 10 minutes to talk to friends." "Ok, thank you for telling us, now please still get your chores done tonight before you go to bed."
"I know you told me I could read for 30 minutes, but I chose to read for 60 minutes and didn't get my homework done." "Ok, you will still need to make time before bed to still complete your responsibility and that may mean you have to eat into some of your sleep time."
"I chose to soak up the sun today and did not pick the bucket of weeds I promised." "Oh, I am disappointed because we have company coming for dinner and we were going to eat on the patio - tomorrow you will do two buckets of weeds."
"I did not complete my committed piano practice time this week." "Oh, that is too bad, remember the agreed consequence, you will have to pay me back for the lesson this week."
"I will be home in 10 minutes, did you put away the vacuum today?" "Yes!" "Well thank you for remembering, what a good girl you are." minutes later.... "Why is the vacuum still out?" (It blows my mind when child is mad at me)... "I am sorry, I meant to put it away before you arrived home. I told a lie and it was my mistake." "Ok, thank you for admitting the error and please try to be more honest when answering an easy question."
"Why is the house 75 degrees?" "Um, I was cold." "Ok, will you please put on my clothes and not heat the house past 68 degrees. Remember, it costs money to run the heat all day long and money doesn't grow on trees."
"Did you wear your helmet today on your bike ride?" "YES!" "Weird, the helmet is sitting in the exact same position as where I saw it this morning." "Oh, actually, I shouldn't have replied so quickly, I must have forgotten to wear it today." "Ok, thank you for telling me the truth. Please know that I care about your safety and a helmet could save your life."
It was a good exercise to practice and she felt more empowered and armed with experience after we discussed how small the these incidents could stay if we just remain forthright in our communications.
Oh, the joys of learning!
Don't you worry Alyssa, you will have your day as a mother.
I hope you get a child just like yourself, you sweet little perfect angelic creature!
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