She calls me the likeable Tiger Mom

A while back, at work on the "Working Parents" distribution list (email group for informal discussion on parental topics), someone posted this article about the strict Chinese "tiger" mom that just released her book on parenting. 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/41041687#41041687

Next, another employee stated this: "Very interesting read, reading these kinds of articles makes me wonder how parents work so hard for the kids, in terms of money, time, and energy?  Even though the results might imply that this is a good thing, I must say I feel sad for these kids. However, it is every parents right to define their family structure and define their terminology of what success means for them. A well balanced life (again – define what is balance) for each family is different. I’d love to hear from other Chinese mothers on this DL to get their POV." 

As you can imagine, many different Asians (both living here in the US and outside) started replying to the email thread and discussion was in full mode.  WELL, you know me, I had to pipe up.  Here is a what I said.  

I am a Caucasian American and was raised by non-structured parents in a small secluded coastal town in Oregon. My parents were young, busy, and partook in activities of the 'world'.  Surprisingly, my parents upbringing was much different than the environment of my childhood. 

For example, my mom grew up with a wonderful mother and had the opportunity to take piano lessons as a child.  She quit too early.  However, I begged to take lessons as a child, but it was considered 'too annoying'.   So, we played outside, all the time, all day, all hours, man we had fun on the dark trails near our house playing till terrible hours of the night.  My brother and I didn't have many rules in the late 70's and 80's.  Living in the wilderness, we had a lot of freedom to roam and explore the logging roads.  I shiver at the idea of what could have happened to us in those remote locations.  Actually, I know some of the inappropriate things that did happen when no parents were around.  Back in those days, we didn't wear helmets, seatbelts, rain coats, life jackets, or worry about other similar things. 

At 33, while I was enjoying my single life, I finally allowed myself to marry the guy I had loved since we began kissing behind the bushes in the 6th grade (25 years prior).  However, scary for me was that he had an 8 year old daughter, YIKES!  Troy did a great job being a single father for many years, but truth be told, they lived without structure - flying by the seat of their pants.  HOW FUN FOR THEM! As a teen, I was wild and I lacked values.  Fortunately for me, I loved school, work, and sports.  I had an internal drive to succeed and understood the importance of self-reliance.  I knew that I wanted to someday be independent, be respected for my work ethic, be paid for the work my brain could produce, and contribute to society.  I will defend I had equally fun and miserable childhood experiences, don't we all? I had friends with very loving spiritual homes and I had friends with the opposite.  I enjoyed going to both. Life was just what it was, you learn to play the cards you are dealt.  However, I clearly remember deciding at age five that I never wanted a family of my own.  I had already processed the difficulties of family life.

As a new family, we all formed a new lifestyle and when we did my past all suddenly felt healed for me. I no longer ‘felt’ anything toward how my parents raised me or their lack of effort. I have no negative feelings and no regrets – the path I took was for a reason. I love my parents, even when I don't like them.  I don’t hang out with them but an average of less than 1x per year, but I do love them.  They love their parents. My grandparents loved their parents. I understand that no parents do it right, we just do it. For the most part, kids get over the good and the bad that they face or experience in their childhood. They are resilient; they move on, they form their adult life. I do not believe the emotional damage from a terrible childhood has to be as impactful as this country obsessively talks about. I had a lot of odd and emotional experiences as a child, but I can honestly say, I don't feel regret or anger about any of them. 

Somehow, for some reason, our small family of three quickly became extremely conservative, very structured, and formed high expectations. I can hardly believe that we have all done a 360 about face and all on our own accord. We created clear accountability for all three of us, to avoid negative situations as well as encourage Alyssa to reach higher than she believes she can. We have no secrets in our home and our passwords are shared (even my husband and I share one facebook page). We model all the behaviors we expect of our daughter. We are very clear about the need for Alyssa to build skills to enjoy her adulthood and be self-reliant in life through a career she chooses or as a stay at home mother. Yes, we often push her to the point when she wants to quit or say, “I can’t”.  Recently, she did not meet my expectations so the next Saturday we spent a painful 9 hours working on her 7 page research paper on Deep Sea Creatures. She hates to write papers, but I expect her to be able to produce a great essay. I coach and step back to allow her grow. This pattern went on all day long until she realized I was not going to back down and she would grow her skill level. It was sad to see her waste her free day, but it was her choice to not use her time wisely.

It is rewarding for all of us though when she accomplishes great things and then thanks us for not being like other ‘soft rescuing’ parents that she has observed. She is developing a sense of routine and duty. She realizes she doesn’t have to be like the other kids. She can still live a full life and be efficient in how she uses her time each day. Life has a purpose and is meant to have clear boundaries. "The development of character through self-mastery is part of the game plan of life's winners. Have self-respect, self-pride, self-discipline. Manage yourself, govern appetites, and control passions so you can give your best effort and achieve your highest level of competency. Lasting joy can come to the person who is willing to pay the price of self-denial to achieve a noble character and reach lofty goals."


• This year, Alyssa attended TEDxRedmond. She knows that children can achieve great things when parents encourage them to be AMAZING. http://www.ted.com/tedx/events/766.html

• She homeschool and self-guides her education using the WA online curriculum with the expectation of attending Running Start at the community college at age 16


• She will leave home at 18 and will attend BYU that she is excited for, saving for and will fully fund herself (as I did my college).


• She paid for a babysitting class and a CPR class and then began babysitting at age 11. In the past 15 months, she earned ~ $1000.  She has bought herself a sewing machine and contributed toward her $500 road bike.


• Expected time tracking of all daily activities


• Consistent schedule for expected home up-keep


• Tidiness is always expected – ‘cleanliness is next to Godliness’


• Sundays are very holy and should be treated very different than the other 6 days of the week. We use this day to read, ponder, pray, and fortify our family and divine relationships.


• Expected church and community time committments as well as financial donations


• No sleepovers (nothing good happens after dark)


• Play time with local girlfriends has to be earned


• Often, she trades play time with leisure reading time in the bathtub (but don’t worry, I won’t let her become a social recluse)


• We eat vegan and discuss nutrition every meal – staying away from any food addictions and food as a source of pleasure


• Clearly, in our church we are counseled to avoid any addiction


• We have no cable in our home, we don’t play the radio in our home and she knows that the PG guideline for movies is not something just for under 13 years old


• We have the PG family settings on the home computer; we know every site visited, length of time, & all IM chats are recorded


• She is not allowed to just ‘surf’ the net and waste time


• No video games in our home


• Don’t ‘plug’ in to electronics when you should be engaging in real live human interactions


• MP3 usage is rare


• We will delay her ‘owning’ her own phone as long as we can


• She will not use facebook automatically at the magic age of 13, we will determine later in her teen years when the time is right for us not when the ‘world’ says it is time


• Swim team attendance is 4 days a week, 2 hour practices


• She rides her bike to swim team, 4 miles each way in all seasons and weather


• She is mostly expected to transport herself anywhere within a 6 mile radius; library, hair appt, piano lessons, sewing lessons, art classes, babysitting jobs


• We take a lot of flak from our family, friends, church members, and neighbors on how ‘independent’ we ask her to be – BUT she loves that she is different and ‘hard-core’ and is respected by many


• At age 11, she had already participated in: triathlons, half-marathons, hiked Grand Canyon, and completed five 40 mile hikes last summer carrying her own 25 pounds of gear


• Piano practice is 1 hour a day, with few exceptions


• Ask to be excused from the room or table


• Our indoor home security cameras record all movements and is a point of accountability.  Live feed is streamed to my phone and laptop.


• Modest dress: no shoulders please and knee length shorts


• I pick out her clothes, it is simpler that way. She does have the gumption to tell me when she doesn’t like something but she mostly just goes with the flow.


• We do not buy name brands and I don’t want popular styles to be a source of ‘pride’ for her


• Early to bed and very early to rise
• I am not a crier so I don't do well with that emotion. That is something that can be enjoyed in the privacy of a bedroom (I know crying can be considered healthy)
• Make and achieve lofty goals


• Don’t live life with fear, but be aware of surroundings.  Bad things are going to happen, know how to handle difficult situations and also have faith that there is a reason for every trial. Life is about learning and not being ‘rescued’.  However, Heavenly Father does not leave you to bear life alone.


• Every choice comes with a consequence (either good or bad). We try to choose natural consequences so anger can be taken out of the situation. We still tell her we love her even when she has disappointed us and is facing a consequence that is not welcomed.

• I do encourage her to properly negotiate when she wants something

• Back talk will get her mouth washed out.   An angry ‘hot’ display will result in ‘cooling’ process; ex: cold shower or being ‘locked’ out of the house – “dress warm, take the leash and go walk the dog until you are welcomed back in the home”

She IS developing her own ‘sense of being’ even in our rigid environment. I see this as a good sign that she is not in over her head and we are not yet making her crazy in the head. She has already verbalized she plans to incorporate 50% of our lifestyle when she raises her own children. (whether that sticks or not, only time will tell) She sees the value of a strict life and she contrasts the good and bad attentions that come with being an only child.

Recently, I had a heart to heart email exchange with her swim coach and he understood he had a lot  more leadway that he could take on his approach with her.  He got very tough once he realized he had my support.  Wouldn't you know, her practices and race times SIGNIFICANTLY improved quickly.  Last week, she knocked 10 seconds off her 50 yd back stroke.  You see, this kid needs this kind of strong direction.  If she knows she is being watched, she does so much better.  Of course, I am trying to instill in her, "a person's true character is revealed by what they do when no one is watching," but we have work to do in that department.  

Our daughter enjoys amazing benefits that I feel offset the rigidity we normally maintain. Ex: She spends a month each summer with her grandparents in Iowa with few ‘rules’ and 2 week spring breaks with them as well. She has a season ski pass and has already gone up 8 days this year. We spent 10 days at Disneyland last Christmas and will be headed to Disneyworld this next Christmas. Troy and I include her in 95% of our ‘date’ time so she can have life experiences from visiting the Seattle Art Museum, to a weekend anniversary get-away, to the lengthy road trips taken to Grand Canyon, Glacier National Park and Washington DC. I think it is good for her to see that most of life is ‘duty’ but from time to time, we can cherish short reprieves. She is not sheltered.

She does let us know when she is not happy about something and she does know how to speak her mind. We also teach her the value of accepting ‘NO’ from authority. My motto has always been: “good people can come from bad parents while even good parents perform their best and still get bad kids” – There is so much more that forms a person than just their childhood or how their parents ‘raised’ them. Don’t be afraid of being the most strict parent in your network.  I know too many people that are 'afraid' of screwing up their kids and instead, they aren't allowing them to reach their full potential in all the areas possible.

I hope you enjoyed reading my odd story and my perspective on parenting.

For the most part, we have a happy, smiling, laughing, healthy, spiritual, home.  Alyssa calls me the 'Likeable Tiger Mom'.  I think that is a compliment?!